In the laid back California town of sunny San Raphael Lived a girl named Pearly Sweetcake, You probably knew her well She was stoned 15 of her 18 years And her story was widely told, That she could smoke 'em faster Than any dude could roll
Well her legend finally reached New York That grove street walk up flat Where dwelt the Calistoge Kid, A beatnik from the past He'd been rolling dope since time began And he took a cultured toke and said "Jim, I can rollem faster than any chick can smoke"
So a note gets sent to San Raphael For the Championship of the World The Kid demands a smoke off "Well bring him on" sayz Pearl "I'll grind his fingers off his hands, he'll roll until he drops" Sayz Calistoge "I'll smoke that chick 'til she blows up and pops"
So they rent out Yankee Stadium And the word is quickly spread Come one come all, who walk or crawl Tickets just two lids a hit And from every town in Hamlet Over land and sea they speed The Worlds greatest dopers With the Worlds greatest weed
Hashishes from Morocco Hemp smokers from Peru And the Shashnicks from Bagoon, who smoke the deadly Pugaroo And those who call it 'Light of Life' And those that call it 'Boo'
See the dealers and their ladies Wearing turquoise,lace, and leather See the narcos and the closet smokers Puffing all together From the teenies who smoke legal To the ones who've done some time To the old man who smoked reefer, back before it was a crime
And the 'Grand Old House That Ruth Built' Is filled with the smokes and cries Of 50,000 screamin' heads, all stoned out of their minds And they play the National Anthem And the crowd lets out a roar As the spotlight hits the Kid and Pearl Ready for their smokin' warrrr...
At a table piled up high with grass, high as a mountain peak Just tops and buds of the rarest flowers Not one stem, branch or seed I mean a Maui, a Wowie, a Panama Red, Alcopoco Gold Keef from East Afghanistan, and that rare Alaska cold And there are sticks from Thailand, Games from the Islands And Bangkok's bloomin' best, And some of that wet imported shit, that capsized off Keywest There's Wahaukan tops, and Kenya bang, and Riveria fluors And that rare Manhatten Silver that grows down in the New York sewers And there's bubbling ice cold lemonaide, and sweet grapes by the bunches And there's Hershey bars, and Oreos in case anybody gets the muchies
And the Calistoge Kid he smiles And Pearly she just grins And the drums roll low, And the crowd yells 'go go go' And the Worlds first Smoke Off begins...
Well the Kid he flicks his fingers once, ZAP that first joints rolled Pearl takes one toke with her famous lungs, and WHOOSH that roach is cold Then the Kid he rolls his superbomb that would paralyze a moose And Pearl takes one mighty hit, that bombs diffused And then He rolls three in just ten seconds And she smokes 'em up in nine And everybody sits back and sayz "This just might take some time."
See the blur of flying fingers, See the red coal burning bright As the night turns into morning, and the morning fades to night And the Autumn turns to Summer And a whole damned year is gone And the two still sit, on that roach filled stage Smokin' and rollin' on...
With tremblin hands, he rolls his J's With fingers blue and stiff She coughs and stares With bloodshot gaze and puffs through blistered lips And as she reaches out her hands for another stick of gold The Kid he gasps "Damnit bitch, theres nothin' left to roll" "Nothing left to roll!" screams Pearl, "Is this some twisted joke. I didn't come here to fuck around, Man I come here to smoke."
And she reaches 'cross the table, and grabs his boney sleeves And crumbles his body between her hands, like dry and brittle leaves Flickin' out his teeth and bones, like useless stems and seeds And then she rolls him in a Zigzag, and lights him like a roach And the fastest man, with the fastest hands, goes up in a puff of smoke
In the laid back California town of sunny San Raphael Lives a girl named Pearly Sweetcake, You probably know her well She been stoned 21 of her 24 years And her story is still widely told, How she still can smoke 'em faster Than any dude could roll
Way off in New York City On a street that has no name, There's the hands of the Calistoge Kid In the Viper Hall of Fame And underneath his fingers, There's a little golden scroll That sayz:
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