Spoken: This song (Texts of songs ) is called "Alice's Restaurant." It's about Alice and the
Resteraunt, but Alice's Restaurant is not the name of the restaurant; that's
Just the name of the song (Texts of songs ), and that's why I call the song (Texts of songs ) "Alice's Resteraunt."
You can get anything you want at Alice's Resteraunt. You can get anything you
Want at Alice's Resteraunt. Walk right in, it's around the back, just a half
A mile from the railroad track; you can get anything you want at Alice's
Resteraunt.
Now it all started two Thanksgivings ago--two years ago, on Thanksgiving, when
My friend and I went up to visit Alice at the restaurant.
But Alice doesn't live IN the resteraunt, she lives in the church nearby the
Resteraunt, in the bell tower with her husband Ray and Fancha, the dog.
And livin' in the bell tower like that, they got a lot of room downstairs where
The pews used to be, and havin' all that room (seein' as how they took out all
The pews), they decided that they didn't have to take out their garbage for a
Long time.
We got up there and found all the garbage in there and we decided that it'd be
A friendly gesture for us to take the garbage down to the city dump.
So we took the half-a-ton of garbage, put it in the back of a red VW microbus,
Took shovels and rakes and implements of destruction, and headen on toward the
City dump.
Well, we got there and there was a big sign and a chain across the dump sayin',
"THIS DUMP IS CLOSED ON THANKSGIVING," and we'd never heard of a dump closed
On Thanksgiving before, and with tears in our eyes, we drove off into the
Sunset lookin' for another place to put the garbage.
We didn't find one till we came to a side road, and off the side of the road
Was another fifteen-foot cliff, and at the botton of the cliff was another
Pile of garbage. And we decided that one big pile was better than two little
Piles, and rather than bring that one up, we decided to throw ours down.
That's what we did.
Drove back to the church, had a Thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat,
Went to sleep, and didn't get up until the next morning, when we got a phone
Call from Officer Obie. He said, "Kid, we found your name on an envelope at
The bottom of a half ton of garbage and I just wanted to know if you had any
Information about it."
And I said, "Yes sir, Officer Obie, I cannot tell a lie. I put that envelope
Under that garbage." After speakin' to Obie for about forty-five minutes on
The telephone, we finally arrived at the truth of the matter and he said that
We had to go down and pick up the garbage, and also had to go down and speak
To him at the Police Officer Station. So we got in the red VW microbus with
The shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and headed on toward the
Police Officer Station.
Now, friends, there was only one of two things that Obie could've done at the
Police Officer Station, and the first was that he could've give us a medal
For bein' so brave and honest on the telephone (which wan't very likely, and
We didn't expect it).
And the other thing was that he could've bawled us out and never to be seen'
Drivin' garbage around in the vicinity again, which is what we expected.
But when we got to the Police Officer Station, there was a THIRD possibility
That we hadn't even counted upon, and we was both immediately arrested,
Handcuffed, and I said, "Obie, I can't pick up the garbage with these here
Handcuffes on."
He said: "Shut up, Kid, and get in the back of the patrol car." And that's
What we did--sat in the back of the patrol car, and drove to the quote
SCENE OF THE CRIME unquote.
I wanna tell you 'bout the town of Stockbridge, Massachusetts, where this
Is happenin'. They got three stop signs, two police officers, and one
Police car, but when we got to the scene of the crime, there was FIVE
Police officers and THREE police cars, bein' the biggest crime of the last
Fifty years and everybody wanted to get in the newspaper story about it.
And they was usin' up all kinds of cop equipment that they had hangin'
Around the Police Officer Station. They was takin' plaster tire tracks,
Footprints, dog-smellin' prints, and they took twenty-seven 8 by 10 colored
Glossy photographs with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of
Each one explainin' what each one was, to be
Used as evidence against us. Took pictures of the approach, the getaway, the
Northwest corner, the southwest corner--and that's not to mention the aerial
Photography!
After the ordeal, we went back to the jail. Obie said he was gonna put us in
A cell. He said, "Kid--I'm gonna put you in a cell. I want your wallet and
Your belt."
I said, "Obie, I can understand your wantin' my wallet, so I don't have any
Money to spend in the cell, but what do you want my belt for?" And he said,
"Kid, we don't want any hangin's."
I said. "Obie, did you think I was gonna hang myself for litterin'?" Obie said
He was makin' sure, and, friends, Obie was, 'cause he took out the toilet seat
So I couldn't hit myself over the head and drown.
And he took out the toilet paper so I couldn't bend the bars, roll the toilet
Paper out the window, slide down the roll and have an escape. Obie was makin'
Sure.
It was about four or five hours later that Alice--(remember Alice? There's
A song (Texts of songs ) about Alice) Alice came by and, with a few nasty words to Obie on the
Side, bailed us out of jail, and we went back to the church, had another
Thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat.
And didn't get up until the next mornin' when we all had to go to court. We
Walked in, sat down, Obie came in with the twenty-seven 8 x 10 colored glossy
Pictures with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one,
Sat down.
Man came in, said "All rise!" We all stood up, and Obie stood up with the
Twenty-seven 8 x 10 colored glossy pictures, and the judge walked in, sat
Down, with a seein' eye dog and HE sat down. We sat down.
Obie looked at the seein' eye dog--then at the twenty-seven 8 x 10 colored
Glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of
Each one and began to cry.
Because Obie came to the realization that it was a typical case of American
Blind justice, and there wasn't nothin' he could do about it, and the judge
Wasn't gonna look at the twenty-even 8 x 10 coloered glossy pictures with the
Circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what
Each one was, to be used as evidence against us.
And we was fined fifty dollars and had to pick up the garbage--in the snow.
But that's not what I'm here to tell you about. I'm here to talk about the
Draft.
They got a buildin' down in New York City called Whitehall Street, where you
Walk in, you get injected, inspected, detected, infected, neglected and
Selected!
I went down and got my physical examination one day, and I walked in, sat
Down (got good and drunk the night before, so I looked and felt my best when
I went in the mornin', 'cause I wanted to look like the All-American-Kid from
New York City.
I wanted to BE the All-American Kid from New York and I walked in, sat down.
I was hung down, brung down, hung up and all kinds of mean, nasty, ugly
Things.
And I walked in, I sat down, they gave me a piece of paper that said: Kid, see
The psychiatrist, Room 604.
I went up there, I said, "Shrink, I wanna kill. I wanna kill! I wanna see
Blood and gore and guts and veins in my teeth! Eat dead, burnt bodies! I
Mean: Kill, Kill!"
And I started jumpin' up and down, yellin', "KILL! KILL!" and he started
Jumpin' up and down with me, and we was both jumpin' up and down yellin',
"KILL, KILL!"
And the sergeant came over, pinned a medal on me, sent me down the hall, said,
"You're our boy!" Didn't feel too good about it.
Proceeded on down the hall, gettin' more injections, inspections, detections,
Neglections, and all kinds of stuff that they was doin' to me at the thing
There, and I was there for two hours--three hours--four hours--
I was there for a long time goin' through all kinds of mean, nasty, ugly
Things, and I was just havin' a tough time there, and they was inspectin',
Injectin' every single part of me, and they was leavin' no part untouched!
Proceeded through, and I finally came to see the very last man. I walked in,
Sat down, after a whole big thing there. I walked up, and I said, "What do you
Want?" He said, "Kid, we only got one question: Have you ever been arrested?"
And I proceeded to tell him the story of Alice's Resteraunt Massacre with full
Orchestration and five-part harmony and stuff like that, and other phenomenon.
He stopped me right there and said, "Kid, have you ever been to court?"
And I proceeded to tell him the story of the twenty-seven 8 x 10 colored
Glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of
Each one--
He stopped me right there and said, "Kid I want you to go over and sit down on
That bench that says 'Group W.' Now, kid!"
And I walked over to the bench there, and there's--Group W is where they put
You if you may not be MORAL enough to join the army after committin' your
Special crime.
There was all kinds of mean, nasty and ugly-lookin' people on the bench there
--there was mother rapers--father-stabbers, father-rapers! FATHER-RAPERS
Sittin' right there on the bench next to me!
And they was mean and nasty and ugly and horrible and crime fightin' guys were
Sittin' there on the bench, and the meaniest, ugliest, nastiest one--the
Meanest father-raper of them all--was comin' over to me.
And he was mean and nasty and horrible and all kinds of things, and he sat
Down next to me. He said, "Kid, what'd you get?"
I said, "I didn't get nothin'. I had to pay fifty dollars and pick up the
Garbage." He said, "What were you arrested FOR, kid?" and I said,
"Litterin'."
And they all moved away from me on the bench there, with the hairy eyeball and
All kinds of mean, nasty things, till I said, "And creatin' a nuisance."
And they all came back, shook my hand and we had a great time on the bench
Talkin' about crime, mother-stabbin', father-rapin', --all kinds of groovy
Things that we was talkin' about on the bench, and everything was fine.
We was smokin' cigarettes and all kinds of things, until the sergeant came
Over, had some paper in his hand, held it up and said:
And he talked for forty-five minutes and nobody understood a word that he said.
But we had fun fillin' out the forms and playin' with the pencils on the
Bench there. I filled out the Massacre with the four-part harmony.
Wrote it down there just like it was and everything was fine. And I put down
My pencil, and I turned over the piece of paper, and there--on the other side
--in the middle of the other side--
Away from everything else on the other side--in parenthese-capital letters--
Quoted-read the following words: "Kid, have you rehabilitated yourself?"
I went over to the sergeant. I said, "Sergeant, you got a lot of God-dammed
Gall to ask me if I've rehabilitated myself! I mean--I mean-- that you send--
I'm sittin' here on the bench--
I mean I'm sittin' here on the Group W bench, 'cause you want to know if I'm
Moral enought to join the army, burn women, kids, houses and villages after
Bein' a litterbug."
He looked at me and said, "Kid, we don't like your kind! We're gonna send your
Fingerprints off to Washington." And, friends, somewhere in Washington,
Enshrined in some folder, is a study in black and white of my fingerprints.
And the only reason I'm singin' you the song (Texts of songs ) now is 'cause you may know
Somebody in a similiar situation. Or YOU may be in a similiar situation, and
If you're in a situation like that, there's only one thing you can do:
Walk into the shrink whenever you are, just walk in, say, "Shrink--
You can get anything you want at Alice's Resteraunt."
--and walk out. You know, if one person, just one person does it, they may
Think he's really sick and they won't take him.
And if two people do it--in harmony--they may thing they're both FAGGOTS and
They won't take either of them. And if THREE people do it! Can you imagine
Three people walkin' in, singin' a bar of "Alice's Resteraunt" and walkin'
Out? They might think it's an ORGANIZATION!
And can you im agine FIFTY people a day? I said FIFTY people a day--walkin' in
Singin' a bar of "Alice's Restaurant" and walkin' out? Friends, they may think
It's a MOVEMENT, and that's what it is:
THE ALICE'S RESTERAUNT ANTI-MASSACRE MOVEMENT!--
And all you gotta do to join is to sing it the next time it comes around on the
Guitar. With feelin':
You can get anything you want at Alice's Resteraunt, exceptin' Alice,
You can get anything you want at Alice's Resteraunt;
Walk right in, it's around the back, just a half a mile from the railroad
Track;
You can get anything you want at Alice's Resteraunt.
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